Sunday, January 27, 2013

the *heart* of a slave

One of my favorite books, and movies, is Ethan Fromme. The scene where Ethan purchases the ribbon for Mattie is particularly rending: that such a small thing can be so fraught with meaning.

Subtlety is a lost art.

i recently described my "first" experience with a Master to a friend of mine. Of course, i didn't bother to talk about the very, very first, when i was perhaps 19 and briefly dated a boy, a man, who suggested a D/s arrangement to me. He may have seen my potential even then? but i wasn't ready yet.

but briefly: i was married, and escorting, and in between lovers. this was a time in my life when i did not have the understanding i do now, so i was always baffled by my own extreme sexual and perhaps deviant drives. i was an avid runner then and my black dog, luna, ran with me every day. it was during a run that i realized, or decided, that i didn't even know how to love properly. love, for me, had all kinds of strings and conditions and expectations. my romantic crushes devolved into messes. it occurred to me that modelling my dog's behavior might be closer to the truth of "love." i made a decision to try loving unselfishly, without any expectation of reciprocation.

the next lover i had was more than happy with this arrangement: he could use me as he liked, was never questioned, and was free to see other women. i was learning to expand the boundaries of what i could handle. A. had never been a Master or a Dom but he tried.

needless to say, it ended badly when He lied to me, because that was *all* i had asked of him.

Still, though, the basics of the arrangement ring true to me. my situation at the time was untenable but being the slave i am, i couldn't bear to make a decision myself. A. had agreed to guide me in my decisions and i believed he had my best interests at heart, because he wanted to preserve me as a good slave. {hmmm, so clearly there was still some expectation on my part.}
if we are lucky and mindful, the self is always evolving. we strip away layers of society's expectations in a constant excavation, with secret hopes of recovering our authentic selves. that is where true beauty is found, i believe: in the discovery and acceptance of our most genuine selves.

i've tried almost everything in my life to discover, deny, and change who and what i am. my pathologies span the spectrum from excessive indulgence in food, alcohol, sex, and drugs, to self-harm, bulimia, and various implusive, complusive behaviors.

my family of origin was one of chaos and dysfunction & trauma. i observed a variety of ways to live but never received any guidance; i believed therefore that i had to figure out everything on my own. my mother's example of an independent single mother was the one i had the most exposure to, so that informed my choices as well. i developed into a resilient, autonomous woman.

guess what kind of men i attracted.

men who were not as strong, who admired my strength, who were probably subs themselves.

when i realized that i was, in fact, a submissive, the problems with my marriage clicked into sharp relief. no wonder we were floundering: we were both subs and neither of us was steering the ship.

there are other factors that determined my desire to be a slave. The chaos i always experienced made me long for safety and protection. i tried to provide that for myself over and over but it's just not the *same* as being able to put that kind of trust in someone you know is stronger than you.

a Master has a better, clearer vision for his slave as well as an understanding of who she really is. i happen to be really skilled at aiming low, at expecting too little of myself, of putting my money on the safe bet. A true Master can and will guide his slaves to pursue their highest potential, because it also serves Him well. it seems obvious to me: who wants to own something that's cheap, or ill-made, or of little value?

i truly enjoy serving, and being owned. it may be a choice but once the choice is made, it can't be least not to my way of thinking. i appreciate being driven to be pleasing. i get a deep satisfaction from being found satisfying. i practice patience and deference. i must accept that i am not the *only* slave; that is a wound that burns but the more often it happens, the less it hurts, and i get to practice that unselfish loving that i believe in. and if a Master does "buy me a ribbon," it's such an appreciated gift, full of meaning...this, to me, is the crux of serving: to be able to do it well, and fully. it's not something that can be pretended.
so i suppose this is my "coming out" as a slave. there is a difference between a slave and a sub but i'll leave that to you to discover. it's always scary to publicly admit to embracing an uncommon lifestyle, but jumping into the fear is the best way through it...

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