Thursday, February 7, 2013

when i'm exercising alone, for instance running or using the elliptical, i tend to get lost in my own brain. last night at the gym i used the elliptical for 45 mins while waiting for yoga class...and began to remember what it is i don't enjoy about being smaller.
i don't like the vulnerability. there always suddenly feels like not much between me and the world. there's nothing to protect me, no shield of invisibility. truly, on a deep level, being looked at and acknowledged makes me squirm. i do it because i'm socialized that way and i must, but deep down it's the opposite of fun.
there's also no protection from myself. if the fat is dealt with, then what? doubtless i will have to face all the heartache i work so hard to avoid.
there's no fix, you know. it's waves...of sadness, and then normalcy, and then sadness again. this is not a plea for help--just an explanation. when i see that tidal wave of sorrow bearing down, i want to run. i am, quite naturally, afraid...but then i double my work. there is both fear and grief to turn and face.
and there is so, so much to grieve.

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